Just do it....

They say we are our harshest critic. Though many times I don't feel like I'm being tough on myself, it's evident when I STOP doing what I was doing. I used to think it was my attention span, but now I realize it's more like my quest to be my best at all times. The cycle of unfinished projects and the frustration that follows can be exhausting. I say it's like I'm treading water. I'm busy moving, but not going anywhere.

So about two years ago I realized that I was REALLY STUCK in a job I absolutely hated. Actually, let me rephrase that. I STOPPED being my best and got stuck waiting for someone else (read: my manager) to TELL ME the opposite. I showed up everyday hopeful something great would happen, when in truth I wasn't doing anything to move myself forward there...I was just busy staying in one place treading water. This wasn't a way I wanted to live because, as should be expected, I complained about being STUCK all the time!

I decided that this wasn't going to do and so around the time I was feeling hopeless - I began digging into personal development. (Truth: my side gig - now my permanent gig- encouraged personal development and with all the success I saw, I knew there had to be something to it).  Understand I had definitely sough out coaching and self improvement courses over the years, but this was consistent and something I made sure I did daily. I read, I wrote and I believed. My attitude improved, my work ethic was getting better and my confidence was coming back.

Lots of things happened during the next few months that could have turned me inside out (getting laid off is super fun), but for the first time in a long time I pushed through my imperfect life without fear of being judged. All with confidence and poise, I found myself understanding who I was and why I reacted the way I did. My personal development was a habit that I was feeding and I loved feeling like I was making progress down this new path.

Then last fall, all my hard work flew out the window as the very real worry of not being a good enough to keep my kids hit my radar. I was overwhelmed with wanting to give my best, AND this time I knew I was being judged, graded and looked at under the CPS microscope. I honestly thought (on many sleepless nights) that my best wouldn't do. I was frantic that they were going to take away my kids because we had "expired mayo" in our fridge and our sockets were exposed (I'm not exaggerating, I was in a panic people). However, a funny thing happened on the way to our adoption date. The muscle memory of doing a daily practice of personal development kept me moving forward. Sometimes in a total daze, sometimes I was actually present in the moment. Either way - I kept putting in the good thoughts and words and made plans and dreams and miraculously wound up on the other side.

So here I am. I still hit pause when I'm getting critical about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. Like this blog. I was hitting "save" a lot and then letting my drafts build up. Luckily, I can say that I have a village of encouragers...supporters who push me and remind me that I don't have to be perfect or the best all the time. And I've got a habit of positive influence that has me shake off the critic within and just do it.

*Side note: I desperately want to hit "save" instead of publish. Just in case it's not (and believe me I know it isn't) perfect. Instead, I trust my gut and go with it. xo